Rankine 911: Insane Ravings

The Real Palin Scandal

2008-09-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

It's obvious to me what the real scandal about Palin traveling to Alaska from Texas while in labor and her amniotic sac rupturing, etc. is really about.

It's obvious what she is covering up.

She must have given birth in Texas, and doesn't want the GOP to know who the OB-GYN is that she used for the delivery, because she is afraid that if they find out, they would disown he and never ask her to be VP (or anything else).

It's so obvious - Texas, giving birth - the OB-GYN at the delivery must have been Ron Paul!

Aha!

2007-11-07T20:24:00.001-08:00

The new world menace - the SWISS!!!!

Thompson for President!

2007-06-15T20:08:00.001-07:00

No, not that one.

Not that one either.

This one.

And the good news is, he already has a running mate.

Sexy Filipino Cheerleader Jumping Around

2007-05-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

Oh, come on. You know that's what you were thinking.

Sorry, Lucky

2007-03-09T04:31:00.000-08:00

VDARE recently has an entry about deporting Irish illegal aliens. (All kidding aside, I do agree with it).

Watch out, Lucky.

Lance Bass is Gay

2006-07-28T05:17:00.000-07:00

I think I speak for all men of my age (27) when I say:

Who?

Testing

2006-05-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

Testing

Proof That Michael Flatley is a Nazi

2006-03-19T09:53:00.000-08:00

Look who invetned Riverdance!

Why You Didn't Get Any Presents Last Year

2006-02-28T19:44:00.000-08:00

"Weird Al" Yankovic and Steven Shafer explain.

A Good Argument for "Fat Acceptance"

2006-01-31T15:17:00.000-08:00

Why the universe needs pudgy people.

That is all.

IN ACTION!

2005-12-29T09:42:00.000-08:00

"Evolution in Action" is apprently Science Magazine's "Breakthrough of the Year."

How easy this column must be to write, if all you need to do is write about a scientific concept that was formed, oh, a century or two ago and just write "in action" after it.

What do you suppose will be the breakthrough of the year for 2006?

The Germ Theory of Disease in Action
The Theory of Relativity in Action

To be honest, these things sound better with a hyphen and an exclamation point:

Breakthrough of the Year: Evolution - In Action!

Wait, let's add a grunt (conjure up a mental image of a bodybuilder flexing his bicep) at the end, for emphasis:

Breakthrough of the Year: Evolution - In Action! (Hnngh!)

Much better.

Bush Does Want Permanent Bases

2005-11-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

But not in Iraq.

Former Canadian Defense Minister Paul Hellyer reveals Bush's sinister plot to spread U.S. imperialism to the Moon (and maybe beyond?)

New Proof that Saddam had Biological Weapons

2005-11-16T00:32:00.000-08:00

I heard it from my friends in Baghdad (who also claim to know Michael Ledeen) that Saddam Hussein had long been in communications with this woman.

Seeing as her expert is in biogenetic weaponry, I suppose this shows that he really does have links to terrorism. He may even have been respnosible for the many deaths caused a few years ago by the Drafa outbreak.

"I Married Britney Spears and All I Got Was this Lousy Porsche"

2005-11-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

K-Fed the rapper. Wonder where he is getting the money to invest in his career? Oh, yeah.

Eh, the perks of being married to a poor white trash celeb.

I wonder if Jason Allen Alexander is kicing himself right about now.

Why Did They Blow Up the Levees?

2005-10-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

Louis Farrakhan thinks that the levees in New Orleans were intentionally blown up.

He is probably half right, he is probably right that they were intentionally blown up, but the goal wasn't to kill the population of New Orleans.

Rather, it was part of the master plan to integrate Utah.

My New Theory

2005-10-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

I think I have figured out who Jodie Foster's baby's father really is!

So he did impress her, after all!

Who is Behind the Push for Polygamy in Holland?

2005-09-29T23:46:00.000-07:00

Why, a native of Luxembourg, of course.

For those who doubt that gay marriage would lead to polygamy, the Netherlands not only shows us that it does, but reveals who is behind the push to change the western definition of matrimony...

Dr. Evil, of course, seen here with his two blushing brides.

More Proof of Global Warming

2005-09-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

In Iceland, it destroyed a building!

Of course, expect the corporate-owned mainstream media to cover this story up.

Hmm... About Whom Could he be Talking?

2005-08-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

Insurance advice from The Onion.

That is all.

Is There Life Elsewhere in the Universe? Who Cares? I Want to Know About the Number of Licks it Takes...

2005-07-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

Scientists admit what they don't know.

What do you want to bet that one of the age-old questions is not included on the list?

Obviously because of the connections between the confectioner's guil and the Illuminati.

That is all.

Safe from Terrorist we will be

2005-07-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

Meet the new head of homeland security.

Safe now I feel.

How the Devil Ensnares Us

2005-06-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

With sheep.

Very attractive sheep, perhaps.

Insert obligatory Scottish joke here (hey, I'm 1/8 Scottish, so I get to say that).

Wow.

2005-06-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

The financial situation of our military is more desperate than I thought.

Oh, Look, She's Listed on IMDB

2005-06-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

The internet movie database includes my favorite Hilton.

The Big Question Has Finally been Answered

2005-05-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

Briefs, not boxers.

GOOD NEWS FROM IRAQ

2005-05-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

Ahmad Chalabi just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico!

The Story of the Day

2005-04-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

Is there a sinister conspiracy here?
Maybe.
Is that why I'm blogging about it?
No.
Then why?
Because "Toad" and "explode" rhyme, that's why!

I am Truly Sorry

2005-04-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

In my other blog, I have suggested that they never found WMDs in Iraq.

However, it appears that they have found the weapons, and Iraq was not only more technlogically advancedthan we had thought, it was more advanced in genetics than the US.

I am truly sorry for ever doubting the Bush administration.

Lying About Lincoln

2005-04-12T21:25:00.000-07:00

All this talk about Lincoln being gay is just a cover for "his" real secret: "He" was really a woman!

So how did "Abraham" Lincoln have those kids? Simple! "His" "wife" was a man!

If it's in the Weekly World News, it's gotta be true.

UPDATE: The site I linked to is by one of the authors in on the conspiracy to cover up Lincoln's true gender! Before I linked I had no eidea that he would maintain the lie that Lincoln was a man! But seeing as I can't find a link to the original article in the WWN (aha! another plot!), I'll leave the link up.

The Chicken Man, R.I.P.

2005-04-02T21:02:00.000-08:00

With all the recent publicity given to Johnny Cochrane, Terri Schiavo, and Pope John Paul II, I would like to take a moment to remember this celebirty, who has passed away at the age of 84.

First, Orville, now Frank.

Why, oh why?

fMRI for Amber Frey

2005-03-20T21:04:00.000-08:00

With all the controversy over Terry Schiavo, and all of the hopla surrounding Scott Peterson, I couldn't help noticing a particular parallel to the cases:

As I recall, some people want to do an fMRI on Terry Schiavo to see if there is any brain activity.
After watching the news program on tonight where they interviewed Amber Frey, I couldn't help but wonder if it would be a good idea to do an fMRI on Amber Frey's brain. I wonder which brain would show more activity.

Great Quote from L&O: SVU

2005-03-17T19:30:00.000-08:00

I may be a little fuzzy on the exact wording, but here's a quote from Law and Order: Special Victims Unit:

Odafin Tutuola: He's called the Cracker. He's the big new rapper on the scene.

Another one of the cops: I thought they said it was a white guy.

Odafin: They don't get no whiter than "the Cracker."

Okay, it's corny. I like it.

The Wisdom of Married... with Children

2005-02-13T21:47:00.000-08:00

According to al Bundy, if you watch Friends with the volume off and a pair of binoculars, you can see that Jennifer Anniston isn't wearing a bra.
Crass, perhaps, but probably less so thanactually paying attention to the show.

Alerting James Dobson

2005-02-02T13:44:00.000-08:00

If there is a concern that SpongeBob Squarepants is condoning homosexuality, perhaps we should also be concerned with whether he is condoning contraception.

I recently saw some underwear at J.C. Penneys with a picture of Spongebob and the caption "Are you spongeworthy?"

Makes we wonder if they know where the term "spongeworthy" came from.

Larry King - Dirty Old Man

2005-01-26T13:34:00.000-08:00

It is getting more and more apparent that Larry King is a dirty ol' man.

Dirty, dirty, dirty ol' man!

Last night he had the husband of the latest female teacher to be involved in a sex scandal.

He seemed inordinately interested in whether or not she had been slutty ("promiscuous" was the word he used) in high school. I say "slutty" because he was obviously angling for the husband to say "Oh, gosh. She had five thousand boyfriends and was having her way with them five at a time.. I'm just surprised that she hadn't had sex with a student sooner."

Then he asked about a relationship she had had with another woman in high school, and used the phrase - I kid you not - "Lesbian adventure."

King: "So is it fair to say that she had a Lesbian adventure?"
Guest: "I guess you could say that."
King: "But she wasn't a Lesbian, though?"
Guest: "No."

If I'd been the guy (and if I had lost enough self-respect to go on Larry King), I'd have said: "Would you like me to send you pictures?"

Glenn Beck mentioned htis on his radio show today, and if I hadn't seen Larry King myself, I'd have thought he was joking.

A Very Manly Race

2005-01-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

Apparently the Germans have WAY too much time on their hands.
Come to think of it, they have too much of something else on their hands as well.

Things to be Thankful for

2005-01-18T23:18:00.000-08:00

Tinkerbell Hilton hasn't made any sex tapes yet.

Of course, we don't know for sure what she was doing or who she was with in that Ugg boot...

A Truly Worthy Subject

2005-01-02T21:51:00.000-08:00

Sideburns. Is there anything else as truly worthy to make a website about?

Honestly Named Competition

2004-12-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

Now that China has this, all the world needs is a male pageant named "Mr. Steroid."
Maybe Andy Sully will decide to compete.

The REAL Story Behind Yushchenko

2004-12-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

I am sure that many of you have seen the before-and-after pictures of Viktor Yushecnko (see here and
here).
The official story is that he was poisoned.

However, for those of ou who don't trust the mainstream media, the real story is obvious.
He has been preparing for a Boris Yeltsin look-alike contest.

George W. Kerry

2004-11-17T04:22:00.000-08:00

Photographic proof that John Kerry is making hybrid warriors. But I gotta hand it to him, he's willing to go through the procedure himself, and with his rival, Dubya.

And While I'm at it...

2004-11-14T01:18:00.000-08:00

The title of this log is meant to be a play on the name of Michael Moore's film "Fahrenheit 911." You see, using Rankine, which is the basically the Fahrenheit scale re-zeroed at absolute zero, 911 degrees is just about the same temperature as Fahrenheit 451, the the title of Ray Bradbury's book.
Absolute zero = ~ -460 degrees Fahrenheit, so 451º F = 451º+460º R = 911º R.

A quick description of some of this is in my first post.

This blog was intended to be where I put all of the funny things that come to me down.

Obviously, I either have a small sense of humor or else my funniest thoughts leave me when I sit down at the computer.

In Case You Were Wondering

2004-11-14T01:14:00.000-08:00

And I know you were...

The picture on the top of the screen is supposed to be (a) my smiling face and (b) me as the wind, blowing on the sails of a ship which is sailing off of the end of the Earth (a flat Earth). You see, it's whimsical.

The goal of the title was for the "Rankine 911" to look relatively normal and for the "Insane Ravings" to look splattered, sort of like the title of "Forever Knight."

I don't think I succeeded.

Thought for the Day

2004-11-12T01:41:00.000-08:00

Would the Presidential Debates have been better if they had had a laugh track?
I think so.

Minelli Out of Control?

2004-11-12T01:20:00.000-08:00

Does anyone think that the Liza Minelli story has just become a touch more bizarre?

(And no, despite mentioning Liza Minelli, I am not gay).

Should I be Surprised?

2004-11-10T16:21:00.000-08:00

Fascinating expose of Donald Rumsfeld from the ever-reliable Weekly World News.

Rainbow Poodles

2004-11-10T15:53:00.000-08:00

A HA!
Most male poodles are gay, finds the Weekly World News.
Consistent with Steve Sailer's ruminations on the subject, female poodles do not have high levels of Lesbianism.
The report does not deal with female bulldogs.
I mean, it must be true, or they wouldn't put it in the shelf next to the supermarket checkout, would they?

Am I the Only One

2004-11-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

Who thinks that The Stupids is an absolutely hilarious movie?

Ashlee Simpson - What Talent!

2004-11-04T19:48:00.000-08:00

Ashlee Simpson displays her acting prowess in this outtake from Rob Schneider's "The Hot Chick." (audio only) The last two words are hers! Put your cursor a little from the end, and you can keep clicking on it to play an endless loop!

Worse than I thought.

2004-11-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

Not only has Bush failed to apprehend the world's most dangerous terrorist group, but he has allowed them to run a candidate for President.
Shameful, shameful.

Bin Laden and the French-Sounding Heiress

2004-11-01T13:35:00.000-08:00

I noted this in an article abou bin Laden's most recent video:
"Al-Jazeera broadcast about seven minutes [out of 18 minutes, 14:39 of which was OBL speaking, acording to CNN] of the tape. The station's spokesman, Jihad Ali Ballout, said they aired what was "newsworthy and relevant" and refused to describe the unaired portions, including whether they included any threats."
My theory:
They cut out the part where OBL was videotaped having sex with Paris Hilton.

A Vital Website that you Need to Bookmark

2004-10-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

Because, when you think about it, can you really ever get enough Harvey Fierstein?

Big Butch Adolf

2004-10-29T18:49:00.000-07:00

On the "Every famous person was flamboyantly gay" news front (or is that rear)? We find that Adolf Hitler was... you guessed it, flamboyantly gay!

So this should send a message of pride to all of the neo-Nazis out there who happen to be gay and feel that they are not accepted by the other neo-Nazis: yes, you too can become a maniacal megalomaniacal dictator and kill a whole bunch of people before shooting yourself in the head in your bunker while your country is demolished.

If I were a Nazi and if I were also gay, I'd be inspired.

Cheese

2004-10-29T02:17:00.000-07:00

I ordered a burger at McDonald's yesterday.
It said that cheese was an extra 30 cents.
So naturally, I assumed that the burger didn't normally come with cheese.
So when I got it back home - there was cheese.
I hate cheese on anything but pizza.
So why the Hell is there cheese on everything?
At the gas station, all of the microwave hamburgers are cheeseburgers.
Often, even when you order hamburgers, they'll give you cheeseburgers.
What, does hamburger meat still give off milk, and somehow in the oven mold cultures grow at incredible speeds to turn it into cheese?
Maybe it's some sort of federal regulation, designed to pander to farmers in Wisconsin?
Perhaps there is some geat surplus store of the vile yellow substance and people are trying to get rid of it before it spoils (spoils again, that is).
Maybe some international organization run by the illuminati is running the fast food and convenience store microwaveables industry (this would be the same one htat puts those insipid "behold the power of cheese" ads on TV).
Perhaps they belong to some sort of rotted-milk product-worshipping cult? (Behold the power of... has that cultish ring to it).
Well no more! Fellow misoturists unite to fight for our right to avoid this yellow plague!
I demand my right not to have cheese on everything!!!!!!!!
(P.S. Miso- = hate, turo = cheese)

Bush's Time Machine and Kerry's Hybrid Warriors

2004-10-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

Have you read Jay Nordlinger's most recent Impromptus?
Note this line:
"A friend of mine was saying, a couple of nights ago, that what the Bush campaign should do is go to 9/11 — and remind people that there hasn't been a major attack in three years."
So Bush has a time machine! But he won't use it to go back to 9/11.
What is he going to use it for?
Is this another way that he might steal the election?

And for that matter, what about Kerry? Does his plan for winning the war on terror involve hybrids formed by combining two people into one, in order to ger super-humans who can hunt down bin Laden? Do these people consent, or is he eciding to decimate our civil liberties further by forcing people to become one person for the "good of the country?"
I mean, he's already started doing this with Major League Baseball players:
"He recently merged Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz into "Manny Ortiz," which probably came as a shock to both families."
So it sounds as if poor David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez didn't consent, or else their families would have known about it!

Bush, Asleep at the Switch Again

2004-10-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

What I wish Kerry would ask Bush is, what does he plan to do about the Cobra threat?
Maybe Bush's family is a little too cozy with the Cobra-La-an Royal family?
When we were hunting Cobra down, why did Bush outsource the job to the Autobots?
And why did Bush invade Iraq, which has no known connections to Cobra (although some people are suggesting that Saddam's doubles are actually synthoids, which is why we haven't seen them since the invasion - he obviously melted them down).

They Rule the World

2004-10-26T17:06:00.000-07:00

Finally, definitive proof that Colonel Sanders is still alive and co-rules the Pentavirate along with the Rothschilds, the Gettys, the Queen and the Vatican!
Sorry I couldn't find a good link that explained the Pentavirate (in all links, they were 50 feet down the page), but I guess that they have infiltrated the internet as well. Also, at time of posting, the Internet Movie Database's entry for the movie revealing the Pentavirate suddenly went down (which is why I didn't link to it)... hmmmm...

The Great Public Restroom Blowdryer Conspiracy

2004-10-25T23:57:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered:
How come every single blowdryer in every single men's room I have been in has exactly the same graffiti on the instructions (that is, when the instructions are written)?

"1. Push Button."
Someone crosses out the "-on."
"2. Rub Hands under warm air."
Someone crosses out the "w-" in "warm," and also the word "air." Sometimes (okay, so this one part of it isn't always the same, it's optional) people also cross out "hands" and replace it with - something less appropriate. Let's just say the Vice President's first name.

Is this just because idiots all think alike, or is there some great graffiti conspiracy going on?

Hmmmm....
"Listen, there's a new restroom opened up - that new McDonald's over there has one!"
"Oh, man. We need to contact the leader."
"Leader, there's a new McDonald's. t has a restroom."
"You know what to do, men. Do me poroud and make those alterations to the instructions."

The only original graffito I remember seeing on a blowdryer was "Step 3: Wipe hands on pants."
Knowing the great effectiveness of men's room blow-dryers, I can understand that one.

What is Rankine 911?

2004-10-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

Rankine 911 is the same temperature as Fahrenheit 451. Rankine is the absolute zero = 0 degrees Fahrenheit scale (like Kelvin is to Celsius).
This blog is a repository for humor and general unseriousness, unlike Glaivester, which is my general-purpose blog.

Guestbook

2004-09-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

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